The events were as follows:
1. I came across an article that was examining the truth behind the concept of being "cruel to be kind." This particular notion gained some notoriety with an artist by the name of Nick Lowe in an album titled Labour of Lust. In the song the artists is relaying a conversation that he is having with a "friend", seeking answers to why he is mistreated. The answer he receives is that sometimes we need to be cruel to be kind, at least in the right measure, and that, in fact, being cruel to be kind is a good sign, a sign that we are in love. Now the fact that there is an array of issues with this line of thinking is not lost on me; however, we don't have the time to unpack all of it here. If anything, it sounds to me like a justification for bad behavior that might be loosely translated "Yes, I treat you like trash, but it is because I love you." Which is ultimately not too far off from how a number of relationships function in today's day in age, hence the article. Interestingly enough though, the article seemed to actually favor this notion. Its main thesis was that every friend group seems to have one individual "who tells it how it is." That one person that doesn't hold back, even if it hurts our feelings. And furthermore, the article suggested that this "friend" should be commended for their honesty. If anything, we should be doing a better job of showing our appreciation. Brutal honesty is just another way to say "I love you." Right?
2. As I was getting ready to run a quick errand, I was stopped by a student who asked if we could talk. I sat down across from her and inquired as to what it was that was bothering her. Amidst the numerous things that high schoolers face today, both socially, and academically, she brought up one point that I found to be particularly interesting, especially in lieu of the article that I had just read. She told me that it felt as if right when she seemed to have a grasp on her identity, right when she felt like she had finally overcome some struggles and that she was being a good person, one of her friends never failed to use that time to tell her what a B*** she was. And in spite of what the article seemed to think was progressive behavior, this kind of thing totally devastated her. It drove her right back to a place where she didn't know who she was and how she should act. Her self-confidence was obliterated. It was here that I began to question why we feel, as human beings, that we are incredibly capable of highlighting one another's faults, when we completely lack the capacity for our own self-reflection. It always seems easier to try to fix other people than to fix ourselves.
3. Moments after this conversation, I returned to my classroom and an absolutely scathing review of my sophomore theology class. Every trimester, students have the opportunity to evaluate their teachers, and this time around, I had one student who was apparently incredibly disappointed with my course. There were a number of complaints that appeared in the lengthy paragraph written on the survey. Amongst them was my lack of credibility when it came to complex theological concepts and the fact that my apparel is too feminine in nature. Furthermore, my vigilance when it came to things like dress code was yet another appalling behaviour witnessed throughout the trimester. I attempted to look at the comments objectively, searching for patterns that might help me to be a better teacher, but I genuinely struggled to get over the fact that the criticism was hardly constructive; it was just mean.
As I reflected on these three events and their quick succession, two questions immediately came to mind. How frequently are we criticizing one another's character? And, if it is as often as it appears, how are we possibly supposed to know whether or not we are being good people?
I think that the answer to the first question is relatively simple: a lot. The second question, however, is far more difficult. Theologically, we can talk about an adherence to the natural law. Psychologically, we can talk about the stages of moral development. And ultimately, there are answers that lie within these concepts. If we pursue the good for the sake of the good, and regardless of situation or circumstance, we treat others with dignity, then we will have accomplished something amazing. And if we do this collectively, we will actually make the aforementioned task far easier on one another. In other words, there would be no need to make exceptions for the breaking of the natural law if we all simply upheld it in the first place. This might be a little easier said than done though.
For this reason, I propose a slightly different approach that might be far easier, while still helping us accomplish the same goal. What if we stopped critiquing one another and the way that others act, and we began to focus solely on ourselves, and the way we acted toward others? You see, when our focus is outward, we are constantly highlighting the ways in which others fall short, but we are simultaneously failing to be mindful of our own actions, and it is the neglect of our own behaviour that is resulting both in our failure to uphold the good, but also the need of others to criticize our actions. Ultimately, it is a vicious cycle.
It is much like a game of capture the flag. If you dedicate all of your effort toward stealing the other team's flag, you will inevitably lose your own flag in the process. We cannot be mindful of our own actions if we are solely focused on the actions of others.
Theoretically, if we take care of ourselves, making sure that we are constantly in pursuit of the good, we will eliminate the need in others to criticize our actions. But that is only a small part of it. If everyone were to dedicate themselves to a similar goal, we would also no longer need to focus our attention on other people's behaviour because they are pursuing the same good. The cycle ends and the good rises out of it.
Of course, there is the slight issue of having to examine our own actions in light of an objective truth, and I realize that can be difficult. We could speculate that the real reason we are constantly critiquing others is because we do not want to look in the mirror; we do not want to come face to face with who we truly are because then we would be required to change. But remember, if we work toward this collectively, then love, not fear will persevere. If I am constantly working to better myself, and struggling in the process, then when I see others struggling as well, my natural reaction will not be one of judgment or criticism, it will be one of understanding as we both attempt to pursue this lofty goal.
So do you need to be cruel to be kind? I don't actually think so. In fact, the greatest act of love for another might just lie in one's attempt to become the best version of themselves, while also empathizing with another as they attempt to do the same.
As I reflected on these three events and their quick succession, two questions immediately came to mind. How frequently are we criticizing one another's character? And, if it is as often as it appears, how are we possibly supposed to know whether or not we are being good people?
I think that the answer to the first question is relatively simple: a lot. The second question, however, is far more difficult. Theologically, we can talk about an adherence to the natural law. Psychologically, we can talk about the stages of moral development. And ultimately, there are answers that lie within these concepts. If we pursue the good for the sake of the good, and regardless of situation or circumstance, we treat others with dignity, then we will have accomplished something amazing. And if we do this collectively, we will actually make the aforementioned task far easier on one another. In other words, there would be no need to make exceptions for the breaking of the natural law if we all simply upheld it in the first place. This might be a little easier said than done though.
For this reason, I propose a slightly different approach that might be far easier, while still helping us accomplish the same goal. What if we stopped critiquing one another and the way that others act, and we began to focus solely on ourselves, and the way we acted toward others? You see, when our focus is outward, we are constantly highlighting the ways in which others fall short, but we are simultaneously failing to be mindful of our own actions, and it is the neglect of our own behaviour that is resulting both in our failure to uphold the good, but also the need of others to criticize our actions. Ultimately, it is a vicious cycle.
It is much like a game of capture the flag. If you dedicate all of your effort toward stealing the other team's flag, you will inevitably lose your own flag in the process. We cannot be mindful of our own actions if we are solely focused on the actions of others.
Theoretically, if we take care of ourselves, making sure that we are constantly in pursuit of the good, we will eliminate the need in others to criticize our actions. But that is only a small part of it. If everyone were to dedicate themselves to a similar goal, we would also no longer need to focus our attention on other people's behaviour because they are pursuing the same good. The cycle ends and the good rises out of it.
Of course, there is the slight issue of having to examine our own actions in light of an objective truth, and I realize that can be difficult. We could speculate that the real reason we are constantly critiquing others is because we do not want to look in the mirror; we do not want to come face to face with who we truly are because then we would be required to change. But remember, if we work toward this collectively, then love, not fear will persevere. If I am constantly working to better myself, and struggling in the process, then when I see others struggling as well, my natural reaction will not be one of judgment or criticism, it will be one of understanding as we both attempt to pursue this lofty goal.
So do you need to be cruel to be kind? I don't actually think so. In fact, the greatest act of love for another might just lie in one's attempt to become the best version of themselves, while also empathizing with another as they attempt to do the same.
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